There's been a lot of discussion around here about lying. In my view there have been some 'good' and some 'bad' discussion. Whatever. I guess this post comes out of these to some extent. This here is MY opinion. When I say 'you' I'm not talking specifically about YOU. No one has to agree with me on this and I'm not looking for an argument - just expressing myself. And nope, I'm not perfect, and yep, I'm probably a hypocrite. I've been known to lie to others and myself. Feel free to comment if you wish...
Reasons why I try not (don't like) to lie:
I think it’s immoral
Obviously this one is subjective. Good versus bad is a sliding scale that everyone has to take on themselves. Many people think it’s OK to lie. I don’t. End of story.
I'm not good enough to keep my story straight
Even when I was younger and had a super memory I couldn’t do it. I certainly can’t do it now. I have to remember what story I told to different people. Telling the truth is much easier. I never have to second guess my answer. I associate with those people that I like, people who are my friends. I don’t want or need to lie to them. I don’t have people in my life that I feel a need to lie to.
Lying begets lying
If I feel comfortable lying in one set of circumstances, say with acquaintances, or strangers, I’m more apt to fall into a pattern of lying to those that really matter. For me it’s similar to swearing. Some of my friends are offended by foul language and I respect them enough to understand this. But, foul language is habit forming for me. I spout off a ‘f*(^’ in any given situation, even when inappropriate. If I’m lying to strangers and my friends, I’m likely to start lying to myself. When I start believing my own lies then I'm in serious trouble, but usually don't see it until it's too late. Self-deception is self-destruction.
I don't see the point
I can lie. I can lie to everyone and to myself but I don't know why I'd want to. Some of the reasons that I've lied in the past are:
To protect myself from punishment. Mostly this is an idea from childhood. That 'not me' attitude protected me from a slap, a hair pulling, a head banging, or a punch. Yep, I lied to protect myself back then. I don't think there's a child alive who hasn't. Makes me think of the kid with chocolate all over his/her fact that insists he/she didn't eat the cake. But now I'm an adult. I don't need to lie to protect myself. If I've done something wrong, broken the law, lied to someone, I'll justly take my punishment. I'll pay the ticket, lose the friend, whatever. I need to face the consequences of my own actions.
To keep from 'feeling' hurt / to keep from hurting someone else. Yep, I've done this too and it's always been to my own detriment. It's how I let myself get sucked into a marriage I wasn't ready for. I didn't want to 'hurt' his feelings. Pretty stupid, huh? But I did it for the sake of his feelings. "I'm fine." The younger women (read: girls) at school have talked a lot about how they use this line with their boyfriends. I've done it too, but why do we? Avoidance? Every notice how the word 'dance' is in that word? Dance to avoid something - act like everything's ok. Acting like you're not a sentient being? Acting is for Hollywood not real life. Say it the way it is. Tell the truth. If you're pissed about what he/she did just say so. Disappointed? Say so. Not interested just say so. BUT, do it assertively not aggressively. Bullying is for the playground.
Also recognize that no matter what someone else does you're responsible for your own feelings. No one makes you feel anything unless it's physical pain (but that's a whole different article). If I get pissed at the guy who's rude, he's gotten the best of me. Does the guy begging on the street corner 'make me feel guilty' if I don't give him something? It's not his fault, some self-examination is in order here, not a hand out. The second of don Miguel Ruiz 's Four Agreements is "Don't Take Anything Personally." Note here, this is an agreement to make with yourself.
Manipulation. I want something out of someone, but instead of just asking, and accepting the answer, I’ll lie. Lies can be but aren't necessarily a part of manipulation. Yep, I’ve done this one too. I did X for you now you MUST do Y for me. The reality is that I did X for my own reasons – one of which is to ‘make you’ (see above) feel obligated to me. I’ve got enough friendships that give mutual support that this type of behavior is not necessary. In true friendships we freely give and receive without accounting. No tit-for-tat. I don’t feel used by my friends and they don’t feel used by me. I don’t like it when people try to manipulate me and I don’t like trying to manipulate others. It’s just plain mean. Again, bullying is for the playground.
What do you think JU? Is it OK to lie? In what situations?